So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
You Might Also Like
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.