[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
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“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Morning.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.