Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
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I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no