One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
You Might Also Like
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I unironically love this joke.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Cucumbers Anonymous
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.