I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
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the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.