[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
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We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin