Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.