My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Oh the world we live in…
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Pee pressure > peer pressure
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
LOL
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth