Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
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I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Baller is short for ballerina
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper