My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
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Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐