McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.