It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
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Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
absolute chaos
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.