First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin