love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
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me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
i hate you platonically
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!