My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
You Might Also Like
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Travel bloggers during quarantine
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
this is uni
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Möther may I have a snäck
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My dog ate my work from home.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!