Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Baller is short for ballerina
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza