How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever