[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
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I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
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Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.