When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.