Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn鈥檛 playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 馃And this, kids, is why we don鈥檛 talk to the police without a lawyer present 馃ぃ
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i鈥檓 sorry sir but we don鈥檛 actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
At some point you鈥檒l think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Me: It鈥檚 late, and I鈥檓 so tired.
My brain: Let鈥檚 find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
A friend helps you before you need it
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.