I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
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I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Schrödinger’s cookie
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.