What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
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If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”