My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Social Media and Real life
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.