There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Oh my god
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.