I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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Isn’t
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
how much for the angry fruit?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that