The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?