I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Harsh but fair
craving $300 all of a sudden
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.