Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
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