Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
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Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My Guy
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Ion see the issue
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart