We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
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Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
For the baby who has everything
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer