The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Found my door mat