*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”