british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
You Might Also Like
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try