My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.