I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
2022 be like
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.