[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good