wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
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Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.