Meanwhile in Portland…
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
peak technology
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
This is funnier than it should be. 😂