Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
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last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE