technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
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“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?