Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit