[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
pizza
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
The three genders
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Two types of dogs.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool