Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
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Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful