Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Shower sex be like:
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11