I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]