cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
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Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are