Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
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The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date