Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You Might Also Like
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”