*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You Might Also Like
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine