*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
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Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her